IONA Magazine

We were drinking and smoking weed . . .

I definitely need a Brotha’s Point of View right now. I really like the way that you answer the advice, just straight forward and to the point . . . but please after I tell you my story don’t call me stupid or anything like that . . . I really need the advice. I have been going with my current boyfriend for three years and our relationship is pretty good. I often go out with my friends and I just recently went to a party with my girlfriends and things got completely out of hand. We were drinking and smoking weed and I got seriously drunk and very high. I woke up the next morning on the floor of the house where the party was being held and I was fully clothed. Two days after the party, I got a message from a guy friend of mine saying that it was urgent that I give him a call. When I eventually called him back, he said that he and his buddies (about 5 of them) just finished watching a video tape of me having sex with one of the guys at the party and that the tape was very x-rated. I don’t remember any of this! I broke out into a panic and proceeded to contact the guy who made the tape and he showed it to me. Yes, it’s me and this guy having explicit sex. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I asked the guy who made the tape to give it to me but he won’t . . . I even told him that I would pay him for it but he said no. He keeps showing this tape to all sorts of people and he’s really proud of it. I don’t want this to get back to my boyfriend because I really care about him and I want to marry him some day, but at the rate this guy is showing the tape around, my boyfriend is bound to find out. I am so scared because I think that my boyfriend is going to break up with me if I tell him what happened, and I know for sure he will dump me if he finds out from one of his friends. I am so depressed; embarrassed and disgusted with myself . . . please tell me what to do. Would you dump your girl if this were she? If the answer is yes, why? Would you still dump her even if she came to you with the truth and all her good out weighed this one bad? Tell me.


Dear Drunk and Disorderly,
I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t mention anything about being in love with this man that you have been with for three years. You know, the kind of love that keeps you at home with your lover, basking in the reflection of the love that you share together. You asked me not to “call you stupid”, you so I won’t. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to give you a dual sided response. I do this based on the fact that I only know what you are telling me. Taking that into consideration, I have to rely on my powers of deductive reasoning, experience, and common sense!

I have heard it said that people use liquor as an excuse to express hidden or repressed desires and feelings. It has often been referred to as, “truth serum.” I too have on two occasions been so very drunk that I blacked out and forgot the events of the previous evening. On one occasion in particular, (as a teen) I found that I had gone to bed with a thick, short, redbone sista. When I woke the next day, I was lying next to a tall, dark-skinned woman with a short haircut. I didn’t know whom in the hell she was, where the redbone had gone or what we had done that night. My only clue was that I was naked and wearing a condom. I was not proud of myself at all! In fact, I was disgusted and refused to ever drink that much again. So I will not dispute the possibility that one can drink oneself to the point of becoming a Jackass and yet, have no recollection of what took place while in such a mental state. Still, I knew that I was a single male who was going to a place where there was going to be liquor and females. I knew that it was possible, for me to “hook up” with someone that night.

My questions to you are: What in the hell were you doing at a party with drunk, horny ass men when you have a boyfriend of three years? Where was your boyfriend? Did he agree with you going on this little mission with the homegirls? Or did you CREEP? I’m trying to sympathize with you; the problem is that I just don’t believe you! Birds of a feather flock together. If you are truly a woman of some substance, a woman who’s good judgment was obscured by the effects of liquor, it would seem that one of the “ladies” that accompanied you to this gathering would be “friend” enough to stop you from making a complete fool out of yourself on camera, no less! Unless of course they were too preoccupied with their own masculine distractions to pay attention to the fact that you were about to betray your three-year commitment. Or perhaps they didn’t find your actions to be the least bit unusual. Does the good really out weigh the bad? When you awoke the next morning, where were your friends? Where was the man that you slept with? You mentioned that not only did you have sex with him; you gave the impression that it was kinky, freaky, explicit sex. Sounds to me like you were doing the most! It's hard to believe that you don’t recall ANY of this at all! It must have been off the chain if homeboy is so PROUD of it. Yet, you can’t remember anything. (Let me take this moment to point out that if a man has to get a woman drunk off her ass just to get sum, not to mention video tape the encounter without her consent, and further, to show it to a bunch of people that both parties know, he needs to have his lil’punk ass beaten within an inch of his sorry existence!)

If what you say is true my sista, then you have bad taste in friends as well as men. You are a bad judge of character and if I were your man, your story would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Again, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU AT ALL! The only reason you are considering telling this man about your little freak show is because the asshole that you slept with is showing everybody the damn tape! If not, I believe that you would keep this entire sloppy little affair on the low – low! Let’s face it boo, YOU’RE BUSTED! If you are truly disgusted with yourself, if you truly feel small and trifling, sad and sorry, then AMEN! Besides, you know damn well that if the situation were reversed, you would drop him like his ass was on fire! I hope he never sees the tape. If he loves you at all, something like that will hurt him very deeply. As for you, I think you need to choose between your man and your desire. I would encourage you to get your freak on until you no longer desire to hang out with drunk people at parties. I’m sure that you regret what took place. Tell him that as you prepare to lose him. No self-respecting man would stand for what you did. I do hope that you will take your relationships more seriously in the future. Have the dignity to tell him the whole truth! DO NOT INSULT HIS INTELLECT WITH NONSENSE. (Save that for strangers who write advice columns.) Tell him and take your medicine like a woman. If he is extraordinarily evolved, he will forgive you, but he will never, ever, forget!

What advice would you give this reader? Leave your comments below!

Until Next Time!

IONA magazine, Brotha's Point of View.