I do not like his children. They are extremely bad and lack discipline.
Hello Claire,
I have been struggling with a decision that I need to make regarding my current boyfriend whom I like a lot. However, I do not like his children. They are extremely bad and lack discipline. My boyfriend doesn’t know that I don’t like his kids; he thinks that everything is going great . . . I often watch them when he’s at work and I try to take them places but they just don’t know how to act. I will give you an example, my boyfriend has two boys and they are 9 and 7. I decided that we would go have breakfast and then I would take them to the beach later that day. Claire, we couldn’t even get through breakfast . . . these kids are so bad, they wouldn’t sit down and eat like normal people . . . they were talking, well basically yelling when they spoke . . . they were throwing their food and they were not only embarrassing me but they were giving me a headache. When I tried to spank them and tell them to sit down and eat they would yell at the top of their lungs . . . “you are not my mother, I don’t have to listen to what you say.” Claire, this is not the first time they have acted this way towards me. Well, I know that I am supposed to be the adult in this relationship, but I can no longer take this kind of abuse. My boyfriend refuses to do anything about their behavior, so I don’t see any other choice but to leave the situation. I have told my boyfriend whom I have been dating for three years that I am going to leave and he always says that I am being selfish. I beg to differ since I love kids and I would love to spend time with his if they would learn how to act. Claire, how do I get him to understand where I am coming from? How do I get his kids to listen to me? How do I solve this problem so that I can stay and remain happy in my relationship that I have worked very hard to cultivate?
Dear Frustrated Young Lady,
I do not know how long you have been in this relationship but it seems to me that you and your boyfriend should have already discussed what your role would be with his children. His children are old enough (7 and 9) to know whether or not you like them, which you have admitted that you do not. I am not sure if your dislike of them is due to their behavior or because they take time away from your involvement with their father. There is an old saying that I heard very recently, which goes like this . . . “if you love the cow then you must love the calf . . . ”. His children are a part of him-so you must respect, listen to, accept and tolerate them if your relationship is to survive and flourish. Communication is a “clarifying thing.” Talk with your boyfriend about your concerns. Have an open, honest discussion about your place in this family with your boyfriend. Involve the children in the planning of many further activities. Let them decide what they want to do-that way, maybe they will behave better. I am sure it is hard for the children to see their parents separated. I am sure they are angry and hurt and they need an opportunity to express their feelings without acting out. If your boyfriend continues to refuse to address this problem than you must decide whether or not you want this relationship to continue. Seek counseling for yourself to determine what you want and then family counseling if appropriate, to work this out as a family unit. Good luck and remember: “when you enter into a relationship you accept the baggage that comes with the relationship.”
I will keep you in my prayers. Keep me posted on your progress . . .
Take Care! Good luck, until next time!
~Claire~
About Claire:
Claire Cunningham began her career as a professional Social Worker in the late 1970's. Claire secured her degrees in Psychology, Child Development, Clinical Counseling and a Masters Degree in Social Work from The University of Southern California. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In her roles as wife, mother, grandmother and professional, she has learned the importance of assuming a role and doing it to the best of your potential. Claire's philosophy is, "everyone has the ability to live a fully functioning productive life."
