IONA Magazine

The dilemma we’re most often confronted with of late is that many black women seem disinterested in both matrimony, and the “average” man . . .

Dear Ron:
“Does the average man want to get married any more? It doesn't seem like it. It seems as if all men want to do is have sex with as many women as possible, and spread their seed around. Plus, I’ve been coming across so many men with sexually transmitted diseases these days, and they don't even seem to care that they have them. They disclose it to me, and then think that I should be happy that they told me about it. What's up with that, Ron? Do men today want to get married and cultivate a loving relationship anymore? If so, what are they waiting for? They’re getting older, too, you know.”

Dear Reader,
Sure, the so-called “average man” is certainly open to the institution of marriage. That is, when he comes across the right person for him—one who makes he and the relationship a priority, who’s relatively drama-free, isn’t a stressor and who’s ready to be a partner. Now I don’t feign to speak for all men, or even all black men, but I believe that I can vouch for the many brothers that I know personally, and have heard from over a quarter-century of writing for national magazines about black men’s lifestyles and issues.

The dilemma we’re most often confronted with of late is that many black women seem disinterested in both matrimony, and the “average” man. Recent studies reveal that people of both genders in this country are waiting longer to get married. Not solely men. And divorces (more than 70 percent of which are now initiated by women, incidentally), are part of the deterrent. Women are increasingly challenging the concept of being a wife, they’re questioning and rewriting what have long been traditional marriage vows and some even discount the fact that a father is essential to successfully rearing stable, balanced black children.

Our roles as men, namely being providers, protectors and defenders of our women and families are being contested at nearly every turn today, yet somehow we’re still expected to just step up and assume those roles on demand, as if nothing at all is going on. As if there’s no attack on our images and legacy. A brother almost has to be a superman to run the gauntlet of what many black women now expect—not just average. And too often, marriage seems to be viewed as a business relationship, with the “cultivation of a loving relationship” you mention merely an option. We all regrettably know of marriages where there is no loving relationship at all, so it’s no longer a given that, that necessarily comes with it.

But just who is this average man you’re asking about? You know, that supposedly “marriageable” brother that every other black women’s magazine, web site, blog and relationship book steadfastly claims doesn’t exist? Well, I’ll enlighten you. Perhaps you don’t remember this brother, but you’ve likely encountered him many times. He’s a single, marriage-minded, middle-aged African American man like me. In our collegiate years, and through our 20s, we “average men” were the former nerds who had focus and purpose; who’d excelled in high school and went straight into college, the military, trade school or other vocations.

We watched as all too many of you fawned all over the pretty boys, who were cute with the “good hair,” or the bald-headed wannabe thugs and athletes. You know, the “souljas” with “game” and “swagger,” as if it mattered. Those brothers were sexy, and fine—usually too cute to amount to anything, or to take you to another level. And they used you. They may well have “spread their seed around” to use your vernacular, but no male does this without plenty of women to make the behavior possible.

We mostly went dateless during those years while you gave your love, your bodies and some of your best years to those who frankly didn’t deserve you. We are those young men upon whose shoulders you cried each time your hearts were broken because, as you said, we were just “so easy to talk to.” We wanted to, and would have gladly taken you sisters away from all of that, but time and again we were invisible to you. It was we average men who went home alone because you said you “didn’t want to mess up the friendship” by getting involved with us.

What many of you wanted so desperately was to be spoken for by someone your girlfriends would approve of, or who’d be gossip-worthy. Still, we stayed focused on our studies, finished college, struggled and paid our dues, secured good jobs and/or started businesses. I can’t tell you how many women that I once hoped to date (and yes, marry) are subtly circling back into my life now because, as they say, “I always treated them well.” Well, guess what? I’m that same “average,” good person in 2010 that I was in 1982. Men like us surely want to jump the broom, but we deserve an explanation. We deserved the deference and attention from you sisters back then, that we’re getting now.

So, “What are we waiting for?” you ask us, as if all women are willing and eligible, and the decision lies only in the hands of us men. Mantalk’s question for women of your ilk is “what have you been waiting for? And, why did so many of you waste so much time with characters that very often held not one modicum of respect or reverence for you? Tell me, dear reader: Why did you fall in love with them, let them put you through so much and keep countless good loves like us on the shelf? Why the sudden interest in nuptials with us average brothers now? Because one of us is president?

Give me your thoughts!

Until Next Time . . .

~Ronald E. Childs~


About Ronald E. Childs
Ronald E. Childs is an award-winning black journalist living in Chicago. His ‘Brothas Point of View’ blog can be read weekly in IONA magazine, at www.ionamagazine.com by clicking-on the link titled, ‘Mantalk,’ and his ‘The Observer’ column appears exclusively in the nation’s black press. He can be reached directly at: TheOMEN091959@aol.com.