IONA Magazine

Dear Claire,
I think I have a problem! I am a 24 year old college senior. I am very attractive, not only to myself but to men as well, (they are constantly telling me so.) Anyway, I often date 5 or 6 times a week and each time it is a different date with a different man. Most of the guys are pretty nice and I start out really wanting to get to know them better. However, my problem is this, I love the pre-dating moments that lead up to sex, however, after I have sex with these men, I am no longer interested in anything about them. It doesn't matter if the sex was good, great or bad; once I have sex with them I am no longer interested! This bad behavior of mine had lead to me having sex with many, many men. I cannot explain this attitude of mine and I do not want to be this way. I would like to be in a committed relationship with a man that I really care about. Could you please shed some light on my situation? Do I have a mental disorder? How can I stop this bad behavior before it destroys me and possibly someone else?



Dear Young Lady,
I wouldn't necessarily call your behavior a "mental disorder" however; you are in need of some self-exploration, positive esteem building and some behavior modification. You can start by evaluating what makes you do this? Is it something that the man expects from you? Is it something that you expect of yourself? Where have you learned this behavior? What does this behavior get for you? Etc . . . write down the answers to this evaluation as well as your feelings while you are focusing on this issue (keep a journal).
In addition to self-exploration, you will want to try a behavior strategy. For example, write down a plan. Start with short time periods. For thirty (30) days you are going to abstain from having sex with any of your dates and you will attempt to cultivate a relationship/friendship that would include talking about their philosophies on life, political issues, life goals, past history, etc...
Since the thrill of dating is very satisfying to you, as you have stated, and since you enjoy those "pre-dating moments" you can make those moments last longer-weeks longer, if you so choose to.
In addition to sharing meaningful conversation with these men, you can also share dinner, movies, plays, concerts, walks on the beach, etc...hence, allowing those dating moments to continue while attempting to cultivate a relationship/friendship without sex. You have control in this situation. Repeat to yourself... "I will break this sex pattern and since I do want to have a significant, committed relationship---I need to conduct myself differently."
During the thirty- (30) day period, write down your observations and feelings. Be willing to extend the time period for another thirty days. Continue your daily journal of feelings and thoughts. It would also be important, at some point in time to verbally share with these men your situation. Who knows, you may get support and encouragement! Remember you are much more important than just sex---and so are they.
Good Luck---after you try this behavior strategy approach, write to me again and let me know how you are doing...Take Care!
What do you think IONA readers? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!