Dear Claire's Corner,
I am a 21-year-old African American female. I am currently dating a Caucasian gentleman who is 15 years my senior. However, I am having major problems dealing with the negative comments coming from my family and friends. They do not approve of my boyfriend for several reasons. First, they don't like him because he's white. They claim that they are not prejudice; they just like to see black people with black people and white people with white people. As a result, they are always making rude comments to me about being a "sell out" and a "white boy lover." These comments really hurt my feelings especially because they are coming from my family but I try not to let it show. Second, they do not approve of my boyfriend because he is 15 years older than I am. All of my family members think that he is way to old for me. I really wish that my family and friends would stay out of my relationship and mind their own business. This man so far is the best boyfriend that I have ever had. How can I get my family and friends to understand this and stay out of my relationship? It is getting to the point where I am going to say something rude and hurtful, that I will regret later.
Well my Friend,
Your family and friends sound as though they have your best interest at heart and probably are afraid that this man may hurt you in some way. Even though you are an adult and you need to experience your life the way that you wish, you are young and some people can't accept this. You need to try to speak rationally with your family about their fears-----assuring them that you appreciate their concerns and that you respect them. However, express to them the positive qualities of your boyfriend and why you find him so appealing. Also, ask them to allow you the respect to live your life in your own way.
It sounds like your family and friends have some issues with being racially prejudice. You will not be able to change that prejudice, so limit that part of the discussion.
If after speaking with them things don't change, it may be appropriate to refrain from conversations about your male friend. I think that to say something rude and hurtful to your family and friends would only increase the tension between you and may damage an already fragile relationship. Try saying--- "I appreciate your concern and I know that you love me but who I date is my concern and I really don't wish to talk about it anymore..." Make sure that your tone of voice is calm and non-threatening. Good Luck!
What do you think IONA readers? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Gwendolyn
Jun 09
11:41 AM
Dear sweet sister girl, date whom ever you please as long as he treats you like a queen. The age difference is a little questionable, but go for it anyway. A mature man, black or white, is always an asset for any woman. By the way, I've dated men outside my race for the better part of twenty years. Men are all the same. Either he is good or a dog. Look for the good ones, no matter what the race. Cause honey, there are plenty of multi colored dogs in the world
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Derrick
Apr 15
7:30 PM
I have dated Black women all my life. I like the shape of their bodies,their skin tones, features etc... why are black women so hostile? they are hard to live with,because they have to get you "straight." If they were more calm and sensible towards their man, they would probably have better results in keeping one. so they go outside their race to seek peace in the relationship. some say white women let black men walk all over them. I happen to know a lot of mixed couples that seem to get along really well. some are old and some are young,but the relationships, as far as I can see are strong. I think when we all look at each other as people and not as a white man, a black man,white woman or a black woman, we will all be able to get along. If you think that a black man has sold out or a black woman has sold out, just think to yourself " they probably weren't worth my time anyway" and you will soon get over it. LOL just a little mind game to help you get through the situation.
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Stephanie
Mar 29
10:12 PM
OK, I have read all the previous posts and I think the one that I agree with the most is Van's. I am so sick of people dating outside of their race. I hate it when I see our fine brotha's dating these women that are not worthy of them in the least. Women who can't, don't and won't understand them and what they go through on a regular basis, I just don't understand what they see in the other races. I am over it! I think we need to stick to our own and build our families and raise our children to be proud of their black heritage and where they come from. That's just how I feel!
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Andrea J.
Mar 25
1:08 AM
I have dated plenty of men, white, black and hispanic. I am an African American women and I don't think it matters if he is black or white. However, I must say that as a dark skinned black woman, I get lot's of hate from black men. I am what I consider to be a typical black woman, but I have been made fun of in terms of my hair texture, skin color and body type, and all by black men. This saddens me and it has made me not really like to date black men. As to white and hispanic men, they have never made fun of me in any capacity, they think I am beautiful just as I am. Personally, I am glad that more and more black women are dating outside their race and opening their minds to love. Maybe if more black men see this, they will respect and cherish the black woman more.
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Peter M.
Mar 20
1:03 PM
I agree with Van 100%! I think it does matter if he's black or white . . . I am so sick and tired of these beautiful black women dating these white men and the thing that kills me, is that they (white men) they always get the best looking black women, while when I see black men with white women, they are not so good looking! Yuck. I for one, love my black women, and I feel as though they should be cherished and treated like the queens they are.
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Joan
Mar 19
11:01 AM
Van, Question for you? You are saying that black woman should date balck guys, because it is a discredit to the reac if they dont and a spit in a black mans face! Then why is it that black men are dating white women??? I cant tell you how many times i walk around and see balck men with white woman! Why is it ok for them, but not ok for vice versa. Kinda hypocritical i think. Maybe i a wrong, but i think to each there own. Its not a discredit to anything, becasue at the end of the day love has no boundries, you cant pick and choose who you love and who your heart want regardless of black or white or mexican or anything for that matter. I agree maybe the man is too old for her, and may hurt her. But i can honestly say that black guy have done just as worse of things as a white guy has too. i doubt it will be way worse becasue of his race, becasue face it- A BROKEN HEART is a BROKEN HEART whether it came from a black guy, white guy, or anyone! Missus Nonya, I praise you. Because you are right LOVE has NO color lines. And just as a white guy might break your heart and NOT stand up for you as Van says, the brotha could also be the one that is out cheating on you, having babies with tons of others. In the end it doesnt matter what color you are, if your a dog, then your a dog. A good guy will always be a good guy regardless of race.
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Terri
Mar 19
4:55 AM
He's too old. A 6 month old can't run with a 2 year old. They haven't developed. The fact that he wants someone that much younger speaks to his character. There are exceptions, however, it's unfair to you to have someone interfere with your development. Do those things a 20 year old does.
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Tanya
Mar 19
2:50 AM
OK, so I agree with Van, but I also believe that Black women need to get out of their bubble and date whomever likes them . . . I am so tired of seeing black women being alone because they are waiting for that "perfect" black man that may never come along. I personally date white, black and I've dated hispanic men before as well. I do prefer a black man, but I don't like sitting at home alone on a Friday or Saturday night, so I date whom I like. If I so happen to marry a white or hispanic man, so be it . . . I am looking for love and that is truly color blind!
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Van B
Feb 26
3:26 PM
I'm not condeming love because of color, i guess for her to understand she would to truly experience what i'm talking about. You know i could go on and on about this subject but i'm not I've said enough. Much love to my sista, i wish you the best in all aspects of life.
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Missus Nonya
Feb 25
9:51 PM
Love is of God... To my "soul brotha" condeming love because of color- may prejudice never whip you like a slave strung on a tree. As a woman, black woman, sister, daughter, cousin, lover and friend you will never be able to please everyone all the time because you are human first and with the blessing of life is the curse of imperfection. Love wasn't designed to be easy or unjudge, but when you love someone, and I mean really love someone, you will go through in order to get to. Dating a man of another race means you will have to love him with twice the conviction of the man who reflects you pigment. You will have to combat the stares, whispers, rebuffs and condemnation of those who believe that you are wrong for loving someone who is not "black." As a black woman who is soul-out, completely in love with a "white" man I know it can be tough but you have to be tougher and you and your partners love has to be stronger than any naysayers disapproval. Afterall, the same "brotha" who says you're fu**ed up for being with the "whiteboy" could very well be the same "brotha" who disrespect women of our calibur by lying, cheating, calling us bitches and beating on us. Do you and please, "Fu** what a hater say!"
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